I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Randomize
