I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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