New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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