That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
