i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
