My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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