I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
