mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
