I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
