I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
