i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
