i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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