i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
