She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
