Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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