Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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