on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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