I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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