If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Randomize
