I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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