Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
