So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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