New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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