Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I don't deserve a penis
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
