I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I smell like Dick and happiness
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize