i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
