Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
