Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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