I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
