I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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