You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
