i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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