I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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