Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
