I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She told me I should be a condom model.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You can't just leave with hair like that
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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