She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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