Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
