It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
