i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
