When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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