I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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