he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
