dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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