I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I could make wine with my vomit
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
