Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
