Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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