Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
