have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
