Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
