I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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