Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
