you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
