I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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