would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
