totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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