I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You've changed since you got that strap on
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
